Last night I just couldn’t find a place for myself.  We had dinner out, which I barely made it through due to the hot flash and energy loss but somehow pulled it off.  Then we walked home 1 mile from the restaurant. I was sure that those activities would tire me out enough to sleep.  But no, I Packed myself with pillows, I read, I walked, blankets on, blankets off, and finally fell asleep for a few hours in a chair.  The discomfort was so unbearable that nothing helped.

This morning I went to PT and I really hurt.  I must look at all that I have accomplished, not what I have left to do.  It seems to be so little sometimes but my body has been through a war.  I’m really not good at small measurements.  But I must remind myself that I am not nauseous all the time, not sleeping all the time, dressing myself, showering and washing my own hair and putting in a ponytail.  I can lift some very very light things and I can tie my shoes.  I can even walk for blocks and blocks and not get tired unless that hot flash thing happens. I am even eating once in awhile when I remind myself it’s time.  I can sleep on my side for a short time and I am only taking tylenol.  For all of these things I am so grateful.

Then I wonder if I will ever have the strength and energy I had prior to this illness and become very afraid. It seems I have a giant mountain to get across yet and I have climbed so far.  I am so hoping that the doctors will tell me no more treatments will be necessary so I can continue this assent up the hill.  

I do have fears about returning to school since I will not be able to pick up children, move furniture, or carry heavy objects.  This is going to be very difficult for me since my job takes tremendous emotional and physical energy each and every day.  And or course I want to give it everything I’ve got.  I just hope it’s enough.

I am planning on trying to drive over to school today to get some info on some new systems that have been implemented.  I would like to get one up on it before I return and get overwhelmed.  I must think this one through since I am weary from PT and my shoulder is in pain.  We’ll see.

For today, I am grateful for all that I have accomplished and for strength to keep on trying.


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