When we left for the Cape on Tuesday night, I decided to take a hiatus from the blog.  The anxiety of the upcoming scans and appointments has been keeping me up all night and I just wanted to enjoy my family without discussing cancer, tests, pain, dying, losses, fear, etc.  And so we tried our hardest not to go there and only when pain became an issue.

Tomorrow morning, I will be at PT at 8:30, then on to Sloan for shoulder X-rays and meeting with Dr. Healey.  The fear is sometimes unbearable of what he will tell me, but I must go and find out what my future holds with this disease.  The shoulder pain is not as acute but after exercise it needs lots of TLC and heating pads.

I met with Dr Russo on Tuesday and he says my scar from the kidney looks good.  Scans will be Dec 15 and I will meet with him again on the 19th to go over the scans and have another exam.  Dr. Bajorin is scheduled for the 18th and since he is the oncologist, he is the chief.  I pray that there will be no more chemo since I am not sure I can endure that again.

I am so surprised to find that I am such a fearful person and am crying at the drop of the hat.  I used to think of myself as very confident, energetic, and talkative.  One close friend described me as fragile this weekend.  She is so right.  This disease has changed me in ways that even I don’t recognize. 

If my Higher Power wills it, I will get up tomorrow morning and face the new news and challenges.  I am grateful I had 5 days with my girls and their significant others and baby Yonah as well as Simi and Huvi for the weekend.  Now back to NY and back to the journey.

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