The visit to the cape was very memorable in many ways. First and foremost, I spent time with each of my children, and their significant others, and my grandson. I truly enjoyed seeing each and every one of them. As usual, some oddity took place with my health and I awoke with pains in my back when I coughed. With the fear of who knows what, I asked Jan to return me home to go to urgent care at Sloan. We packed up, even though I was reluctant to leave the kids behind, and started off for home. We drove one exit when I asked Jan to please take me to Cape Cod Hospital in Hyannis since I knew I could not endure the 4+hour drive to NYC. The previous blogs were I am sure details of what happened after that. I knew very little because I was highly medicated and slept most of my stay there. Thank goodness it turned out to be not much but I am still left with pain in my arm and shoulder and very groggy. I am also feeling frustrated an very down in the dumps right now.
The joy of seeing my family together is bittersweet. I adore them. Their laughter touches my heart, and because of the way I am feeling, I feel so uninvolved with their lives. And then the horror in my mind begins. What will happen if this disease takes me over and they lose me? I cannot stop weeping and find I cannot enjoy anything. I want so badly to recover to enjoy these fabulous young people and to see them and their families grow up. They are so wonderful.
I just awoke from another nap and will try to stay awake for awhile. I am trying not to deal with the PET scan on Tuesday which will tell us what is happening in the lungs. I though we had it made but I should have held some back for negative possibilities. The inability to return to work has me so depressed and I cannot imagine what I am going to do here in this apartment for the next few months. I am so hoping this lung thing is fixable and I can at least get out of this space.
As always, Jan is optimistic and supportive but also very tired. This journey is so filled with ups, downs, hopes, unknowns, that it is very difficult for anyone’s emotional stability to handle. But we are trying to remind ourselves of what we have not what we don’t and how grateful we are for all of those people who have supported us through this time. Sometimes it’s very difficult but your notes and calls are always a pick-me-up. Thank you for sticking with us.