After being informed a few weeks ago that I would not be returning to my teaching position and those beautiful children that I so adore as well as the cancer had returned, I began to loose hope. I tried every day to get up and face the day but as you could feel from my writing this has become more difficult with each passing day. I had lost hope. I began to allow my head to go to many many dark places and cried most of the day. Most of all I feared going back into chemo and for the chances of survival diminished.
Yesterday, after meeting with Dr. Bajorin and his fantastic assistant nurse, Ann Marie (who was my chemo nurse last round), I have renewed Hope. He told me if there was no chance of getting me into remission or recovery he would no longer offer me treatment. BUT this treatment may take a very long time, not just one round. We need to kill these cancer cells as they grow and that is what Taxol does efficiently. So as long as we see they are still trying to grow, I will be taking the chemo (could be up to a year). Yes, I am going to be fatigued, gain weight, lose my hair, be tied to Sloan and away from crowds (at home), feeling sick in general, but I am willing to do all of those things with the HOPE that we can still beat this demon.
The chemo yesterday went well and I am still a little high from the steroids but it was shorter and easier than the last round. I am still in pain in the arm and we are trying another medicine cocktail for two weeks plus acupuncture and if that doesn’t do the trick, we are looking into trying a nerve block. Somehow, we are going to get rid of this arm pain so I can go to PT and rehab it. And of course not have the pain pulling me down each day.
I have finished Rectangle #3 for the afghan. I have decided that once this one is completed for charity, I will start making afghans for each of my kids so that will have a “snuggly” from MOM (Aaron still has his “manket” baby blanket although it is really is shreds). Making plans, keeping busy, being creative is really the best medicine for me.
So for today, I am so grateful for Dr. Bajorin’s reassurances that I still have a fight to fight, that the chemo went well, that I am feeling more hope than fear, and that I am able to withstand all that is happening. I am praying so hard for success in this venture and also making plans for the future rather than falling into a hole. I feel today that I am one very lucky person.