I am having a very difficult time finding a place for myself as well as sleeping. And so I am wandering around, knitting,watching videos, or just thinking. I am certain that the steroid is not helping the situation but I am also pondering too much also.
Yesterday was a quiet one just hanging out with my Dad, going for our short walk to the grocery until my darling friend Gail called and asked us to go out for a early light dinner around 4:00. It was a pleasure going out for about 2 hours and getting a change of scenery and some very lovely company to boot. But as the evening wore on, the night thoughts returned and there was no way sleep was going to prevail.
Needless to say, the pain has not improved and I am emotionally floundering. I am trying to stay still but I cannot understand what can be causing this pain and why we can’t find some relief. It is so frustrating.
Tomorrow I visit Dr. Russo (kidney DR.) for a Cystiscope and then Tuesday will begin chemo. I have no feelings about either right now, I am just doing what I am told. Soldier mode has returned.
I was trying to explain to my Dad last night that people with illnesses, like cancer, live on a very different plain than everyone else. I listen as others plan trips or what they will do even a few days from now with the security that it will take place. Now that I have cancer, that security has been removed. I take each moment of each day at the most and just be. There is so little I have control over and I am so much more aware of it now that I can’t plan anything. Very humbling.
Joshua called to tell me that it looks good that he will move back east (Boston) within the next few months. I will be so thrilled to have him closer so I can get some joy from his wonderful persona. Just like his sibs, his life will get very busy and that time will be limited, but at least he will be more accessible. I love talking with and being with my kids. They are such a measure of pride for me.
Jan continues to work long hour in this horrible market and after Dad leaves I am certain the days will seem interminable. I feel badly that Jan is so exhausted from work and then walks into this wimpering, short haired (at least I still have some), overwrought woman. It must be very difficult for him to deal with all of this now. I can’t even imagine what I would be like if I were the caretaker in this situation. He is doing a much better job than I even could.
And so, I am grateful that I am awake and able to even write something on this blog today. I am also keeping in mind a line from the chemo card about what this new medication is supposed to do. It is supposed to INTERFERE with the cancer cell’s ability to grow. This is what I am praying for. That these cells cannot continue to grow and I can recover. I am willing today to go to any lengths to make this happen. Afraid, yes. But ready and willing.
Wishing you health, joy and a little more warmth if you are here in the northeast.