It is a cold and sunny day in NYC. I have been making plans in my head for what I need to accomplish and what is needed to stay out of pain. These are not always corresponding since the medication knocks me out. But my goal today is to get some black yarn and begin making warm stocking caps for the Israeli army soldiers. I will also see if I can get involved in an afghan projects soon.
I need to get to ToysRUS since Huvie has finally decided she wants My Little Ponies for Hanukkah and Simi wants a house for her Coconut Doll from American Girl. We’ve have been waiting with baited breath for these decisions and are obviously post Chanukah. They are supposed to visit this weekend and if all goes well with the radiation, I may just have the chance enjoy my grandchildren.
The tears are less and the hopefulness grows daily. This is necessary for me to get past the sucker-punching I took after the scans and to work for a positive outcome. I am sure grateful that Michael prepared me before meeting Dr. Bajorin and that he has some plan already in progress. Knowing is so much better than wondering. I have asked Michael if I can still beat this and his response was “That’s the plan”. So I will take what hope lies hidden in there and just keep plugging away. Between pillows, heating pad, Ice packs, and Narcotics, somehow I am getting some sleep and my attitude is much better.
My father plans another short visit, our many friends are trying to help me with my conundrum within their busy lives and I am just grateful, I am awake and able to try to plan another day. Will report on radiation as soon I have new information.
HAve a Sun-Filled, Warmth on your face ,and Grateful Day.
It is a new sunny day in NYC and I have awakened to an attitude of hopefulness and trepidation. I am so hoping that this radiation will go as planned and get rid of the pain and the cancer in the shoulder but it is a scary proposition. I have to trust Dr. Michael since he has lead me in a positive journey so far.
My new dilemma is how to live 2 lives during recovery. I need to stay in NYC near Sloan. It is so much easier especially with all of my visits to Urgent Care. But I really need to be with people for a few hours each day. I miss my kids and family in Boston and my friends in Caldwell. How can I stay in NY an not be alone all the time during the next treatment? It was the worst for me last time and I was very very anxious and unhappy. I do not need someone with me all day long but some company each day. Solitude is great some days but not every day. I am working on figuring out that conundrum while waiting to hear what the protocol will involve. Maybe there is something I will be strong enough to do to help my colleagues at school on the computer and make their lives easier. Still thinking and preparing……………………
I am also going to try o get involved with a knitting group who knits for charity (hats and afghans). I need to get the details on that one.
In the meantime, life is quiet, I take the meds, remind myself to eat and sleep a lot. I do try to get out in the fresh air but it has been really really cold. Maybe Florida sounds good right now. OOPS no Sloan.
Today I am grateful that I can see the battles ahead as possible victories and not accept defeat. I think the shock of the deliverance of bad tidings has worn off and I am ready to really examine what is expected of me. Again, once the treatment plan is in place, the armor will go on. The in between is the worst.
Wishing you a sunny and restful day.
After meeting with Dr. Michael this afternoon, the plan is as follows. Monday, I will report to the hospital for a bone scan and another pet scan as well as forming a mold to radiate the cancer cells in my arm, shoulder, and scapula later in the week. I will need to be heavily sedated since they will have to move my arm around and I will need to stay very still. More med. They plan to radiate 1-3 times to rid me of the pain so that I can get some rest and get ready to deal with the lung issue. Michael did not say for sure it is cancer but it is very suspicious so must be treated. There will probably be more chemo for the lungs but not sure what kind. We will find out more details on Tuesday. Michael believes that I will be much more positive and emotionally ready for the next treatment if we can get me out of pain. I wholeheartedly agree., That’s the plan for next week. And the journey continues.
Yesterday, as one can well imagine, was a shocking, emotional day for me with many bouts of depression and hopefulness. We were fortunate to have an afternoon soup out with friends and then to a business dinner with a lovely Italian couple. I worked very diligently to sit through and be be upbeat but it was tremendous work.
Nighttime was unbearable. I took the meds every 3-4 hours and had to sleep sitting up. The pain in my arm and now in my scapula again with each breath (reason I went to Cape Cod hospital) was miserable. I am looking forward to meeting Dr. Zelefsky today to discuss what the plans for next treatments will be. This is a very scary place to be and the discomfort is exhausting.
I am also reminded of my roommate, Kelly, from my first stay at Sloan. She was so much in pain and I could not stay in our room. I pray to G-d that this is not what is in store for me. I really would like to take off and be alone so my husband and family do not have to watch me go through all of this pain and treatments. On the other hand, I really need their support. I have to work very hard to get my mind in a positive mode and ready myself for the next part of this journey. Right now it is very, very difficult.
But for today, I am grateful to be awake and alive and that I have doctors who may have answers for me. I am also so appreciative that Jan doesn’t mind being awakened 3 times a night to just be there. Back to sleep for awhile.
I found out today that the scans are showing positive for cancer in the lungs and possibly in the humerus where i have been complaining of pain. My initial reaction was hysteria of course but tomorrow I will go to Sloan to discuss radiating the small spot in my arm for 5-6 days and possibly getting relief from the pain. This makes me very happy and hopeful. On Tuesday, The options for treating the lungs will be discussed with Dr. Bajorin. Granted, after all I have endured in 2008 this is not the way I wished to begin 2009. But I have no option except to go in there head on and face what will get rid of this menace that has taken over my life. In my heart I knew this was going to be a game of chasing the enemy but I did expect a reprieve in between battles. Life is never what we expect and so I will rest as much as possible and if the pain in out of my arm I am ready to battle again.
Please continue praying and keeping in touch. I think I need all of that even more now.
Wishing you HEALTH and HAPPINESS in 2009.