Late News The Blog Wasn’t Working

I have had a miracle happen.  The pain in my arm has diminished. Finally! I have no idea whether it is because of the medication, the lidocain patch, the accupunture, the raditaion, but something or a combination of all of those things have taken the pain away.  Thank you Gd.

The other news was that I was able to go out shopping with Rea  and Yonah all day and did not feel sick or weak.  This chemo is so much different than the last time to date.  I know it is cummulative but for  now I am enjoying doing things normal people do.

I am packing for Israel and hoping that I can handle the flight and the stay there but if today was a reflection, with a lot of sleep and a few naps here and there, I am going to make it.

It feels so much better doing things with my life and making the chemo secondary.  Then I don’t think cancer all day and I am less anxious.  I feel I am living with cancer but not that I am cancer.

So , tomorrow I will have another round of accupuncture and hopefully continue to be be pain free for awhile.   Then I can go to PT to try to get full range of motion back in my arm.

I am so looking forward to going to Israel next week and to place my hands and forehead on the western wall and beg, pray, and ask my higher power to give me the strength for this journey.  I will also be celebrating my 55th birthday there.  I will pray for many more to come. I will also pray for all of you.

I am one very grateful person today,  No pain, feeling like a person, spending time with my daughter and grandson, and having HOPE for more of this in this future.  HOPE is back as a priority. 

A GOOD MORNING

I awoke to very little chemo effects, the shoulder is improving, I slept in my side again, and I will see the Psychiatrist today.  The is a good morning.  

In addition, as I am writing this blog, my grandson is gabbing a blue streak on my bed next to me.  Such beautiful music to my ears. I cannot help but smile.

Well here’s the big news.  Dr. Bajorin has given me permission to fly to Israel next week to go to a wedding!!!! The Landownes are friends we truly adore and so want to share this special time at the marriage of their daughter. It will take tremendous preparation for the flight, I will have to wear a mask on the plane,  and a lot of work on Jan’s part but I am willing to try it.  I will feel like I am living my life between chemo and that is how I’d like to live.

I did not complete a rectangle yesterday and so I am working on Rectangle 9 for the afghan.  Hopefully some of my knitting partners will start some of the other rectangles soon.

Last night, while looking for our passports, I came across a 12 page letter written to me by my mother in 1985. It talked about having Aaron the night before and how she felt about having children of her own.  In it she told me how much she loved me and was proud of me (things that were said rarely when I spoke to her).  It was so meaningful to me especially since it is almost 4 months since her death and mourning her has been difficult for me,  I cried my eyes out, needless to say.  But is it nice to know that she had that love in her heart and she does not have to face what both her daughters are going through right now.  Her death has also given me the gift of my Father, which I really need right now.  He will return late February, early March to babysit again. It is soothing for me to have his presence in the apartment.

Today is a good day filled with hope and life to look forward to.  I am grateful for so much especially having Rea and Yonah here to keep me company.  It is such a joy to have them here.  Pray hard today for Ellen,  She had scans yesterday and hopefully we will find out what is happening to her. And please say a special thank you prayer to yourself of thanks from me.  You have given me the strength and energy to persue this very rocky road.

CHEMO #2

I am leaving for Chemo#2 soon and thank Gd so far it has not been too bad. A little fatigue. some mouth sores, and back pain.  Much better than the last round of not even being able to eat or get out of bed.  I realize that the chemo is cumulative but for now I am grateful for where I am.

I also know why I have been crying all the time.  I HAVE BEEN ROBBED! I have raised my kids and they are almost on their own, I saw two get married, a new grandson, and the other two working hard to become independent.  Now is the the time for Jan and me to go to Israel, Turkey, Italy, Cape Cod and to just enjoy each other but I am spending each and every hour fighting the fight to get well.  I am truly very angry about these things  right now.  Maybe the psychologist I will be seeing tomorrow can help me sort this out.  I have gone 1 year on my own and now I need some help with these emotional thoughts.

Thank Gd for the steroids. I can move around with much less pain and my mind is in a better place because I have some energy.  I will return to my usual self in two days. YUK!

For today, I am grateful that Rea is here with Yonah (What a pleasure), that Jan is taking me to chemo, that I have some energy to be myself, that I woke up to a new day and that I finished the 8th rectangle for the afghan.  I am accepting that for today, things are as they are meant to be.

Monday Morning

I had a wonderful day babysitting for Yonah.  Jan was so helpful in the picking up and carrying him and I took care of the rest.  We enjoyed this special child so much.  He is a dream; always smiling, enjoys interacting, and never cries.  How lucky did Rea get? I can hear Yonah’s giggles and talking in the next room. This is a special miracle.

This morning is our first round of acupuncture.  I am looking forward to this so much to find some more relief in my arm.  The new med cocktail, although makes me very weak, does take the edge off. I was actually able to sleep on my side for a bit last night. This is a big thing for me.

Tonight I will start the steroids to get ready for chemo tomorrow.  I am ready. I am wishing this taxol to kill these cells in the lungs and anywhere else cancer cells have started to grow.

All night, I laid in bed thinking how I will move all of my personal stuff out of my classroom this summer. I would like to leave a lot of it for the children, but I do have some books, games, and other special things I have made that I think my grandkids would love.  Another teacher has been hired to take my place and I am sure she would love some storage space of her own.  Thinking………….

I completed rectangle 7 last night and will start eight today.  This afghan should not take very long until it is ready for donation.  Then on to the Mommy Snugglies.  All of my kids are looking forward to having one.

For today, I am grateful I have my grandson and daughter and son-in-law here visiting, I was able to sleep on my side, and I will try acupuncture to relieve this pain in my arm.  So far the chemo seems to be going Ok and for that I am grateful.  Having my family around has made this round much easier.  I thank my higher power for the chance to keep trying to heal this body and pray for success.

 

It’s Sunday

I awoke to the most adorable cooing noises today.  My grandson, Yonah, was playing in the living room.  Charming is an understatement for this child.  Unfortunately, Rea and Shuie will be gone all day to Shuie’s grandmother’s funeral, so Jan and I have the baby. Should be fun.

New dilemma.  We have been invited to a wedding in Israel in two weeks and I really want to go. I know I need to talk with my doctor, but the list of pros and cons are going crazy in my head.  I really want to live my life while I have it BUT 8 hours on the plane with recirculated air and germs? UH don’t know.  I don’t know  if I have the ability to even sit for 8 hours on a plane. Time will tell.

Today, we are the babysitters and this thrills me. It will be difficult for me without the use of my left arm, but Jan will help all along.  Yonah is such an easy baby but I know he is very attached to his MOM,  Maybe my new short haircut will help! LOL.

The Pain meds are giving some relief but the main spot shows no relief.  Acupuncture tomorrow.  I hope someone can solve this riddle.  I am ready to go back to PT.

For Today, I am grateful, I was able to roll over on my side for a bit, that we have our children visiting us, and that I am well enough to enjoy them.  The meds are working although I cannot go anywhere alone but hey, every little bit helps.