I had a very tearful discussion with Dr. Roth yesterday about how it feels to hit this one year anniversary of diagnosis. In many ways I am grateful that I have survived to this date considering all the surgeries, blood transfusions, chemo, and hospital stays. But I also assumed I would be in remission by now, back to work, and gain some of my independence. This is not happening and I do not know what the future holds (that is true for us all). And so we talked for my entire hour about why this is happening. Dr Roth is quite pleased on how I have emotionally handled this journey, always trying to find something positive, trying to hold on to some semblance of my life and trying to stay out of the dark places. He also sees that I have very high expectations for myself and those too have had to be altered. THIS is where my emotions go crazy and where my life becomes difficult. I have had to lower my expectations, and I have, but sometimes they need to be really lowered (like sleeping for a whole day). This is when I tell him I am falling apart but he says I am not really. I must go back to the word ACCEPTANCE. I am really happy to have him in my life now since he is helping me see that I am doing the best job I can under the circumstances.
Chemo went fine yesterday. It is so amazing for me to get up the next morning and be able to eat and walk over to PT. This is great and I am hoping I will continue this way thoughout the treatments. (High Expectation?)
I will nap this afternoon and then Theda will come and knit with me. The rectangles are ready for strip 6 of our afghan. We are really getting quite close. Eight more rectangles to knit and then complete the sewing together. We are going to try to spruce it up a little since I really am not fond of the color combination so maybe an edge or some design on the corners of the rectangles will make it more palatable for me.
Right now I am hitting the showers to get my day rolling. I still need breakfast before I can take my meds and then get to PT by 9:00. I move a little slower than before but such is life. At least today I have one.

Leave a Reply