More tremors and slurred words, que sera sera

Anne, our Hospice home health care aide, visited this morning. In one fell swoop, she gave Debbi a sponge bath, changed the bed linens, and laundered the old ones. Debbi looked very happy in her clean clothes and clean sheets. Anne freshened up the table that we use to store Debbi’s current medicine (the section of the table towards Debbi’s bed) and also the side away from Debbi where all the medicine that we once tried (but no longer use) is stored. Why keep the rejected drugs? Well from an earlier post we know we can not sell them… actually we keep them because we do not know when, or if, they might be needed. That section of the table is threatening to take over the current medication space!

Debbie A. also visited this morning. I suppose that her message was not as cheerful. Debbie A. said that even though I could not see it, Debbi is beginning to deteriorate at a faster pace. Because I am here with her every day I suppose it is harder for me to see. Certainly I have seen her tremors become more pronounced and her enunciation less so, but I guess I did not see the subtle change in Debbi’s coloration that Debbie A. pointed out to me. Debbie concluded that Debbi will probably not make it out of the month of May. However, Debbie A. immediately added on, “Of course, Debbi never does anything that we expect her to.”

Not being able to convey Debbie A.’s exact tone and body language when she gave me the news, Josh & Shira were both given Debbie’s phone number to hear the news from her directly. I understand that as of Friday, Shira is moving here “permanently” to be by her mother’s side.

Funny, isn’t it, how one second one can be a “pillar of strength” and the next moment be reduced to a pile of mush. I was just sitting and chatting with my wife and Debbi said to me, “if the radio was playing, I would like to hear the song, Que Sera Sera.” For those of us who have forgotten the lyrics to this Jay Livingston – Ray Evans song, I include them here…

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here’s what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here’s what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Debbi began singing this to me. She knew every word. She sang every word working hard to overcome her slurring and working hard to sing it on key. Well, somehow, this opened the floodgates and I began sobbing uncontrollably. I guess that between Debbie A. delivering news that the end is closer than the horizon and Debbi reminding me that Whatever will be, will be without her (at least in the physical world)… it was just too much for me.

Having lost my own mother at 17 years of age, after my father lost his mother at 15, I did not want this terrible curse to continue and yet it is upon us. Que sera sera.

P.S. I received some notes asking if Debbi got her ice cream and french fries for dinner last night… of course she did. She ate about 10 french fries and had about 6 spoonfuls of Captain Frosty’s soft vanilla ice cream just like she requested.

One thought on “More tremors and slurred words, que sera sera”

  1. Jan, hi. Several times every day, I read your blog to keep up with Debbi and the rest of the family the best I can. I laugh, I cry, and so often I find myself lost in thoughts, and memories. Life. Its unfathomable, sometimes. Countless people love and care about Debbi, you, and all the kids-and in countless ways. Even as my heart aches, I find myself overwhelmed and inspired by your writing. Thank you for letting us in the way you do. My prayers are daily and unending. Please give our girl a kiss for me, and asl always I send my love to all of you.

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