Today was the day we met with Dr Bijoran and went over the biopsies, treatment options and set things into motion. Dr. Bijoran turned out to be an excellent practitioner and was patient and precise in explanations and fielding our many question. It was a long day, I need to rest so the medi-port can be inserted tomorrow morning and hopefully I will be home early afternoon for a weekend of rest. Jan, of course, will translate what the plan really is since I was so overwhelmed and there was so much information to absorb that I was shutting down and not really comprehending what they were talking about. The one thing I do know, the next 6 months belong to Sloan Kettering and I am going to have to accept that the life I know will have to adjust to their music.
Love hearing from all of you. You are never bothering me with your caring calls and E-mails. It makes my day. Hopefully I can go back to school here and there and more often once the chemo situation is stabilized. Keep praying.
We have gotten the word that Jan and I will meet Dr. Bijorian, the oncologist on Thursday at 11:30 am. I am terrified and I know my darling Jan is as well. I really do not want to know what the biopsies have shown but on the other hand, hearing the reality will take us to the next level for a treatment plan. Friday morning the port will go in my chest and I’ll have the weekend to recuperate. I have been trying to go to work each day but feel like I hit a wall around 1:00. Today I just came home and went to bed. My new plan…..I am taking a blanket and pillow to school and will try to nap during my lunch hour and see if I can make it through a full day. I realize that my days working full time this year are running out, but being with the children, seeing my colleagues, and keeping busy is very centering.
I think the most frustrating part for me is for every question running through my mind, there is no answer. How did this happen? Where did it come from? What could I have done differently? How do I protect my children? What will my life look like now?
I must remind myself that answers really don’t matter at this juncture. I must be grateful for the wonderful life I have enjoyed up to the present, take the next step, pray, and hope for the best. I do know that now I spend each and every minute just glancing at my precious soul mate, my children, my family and friends and smiling at each and every nuance, every gesture, and every words that is said. I am a very fortunate person to have such a full life.
Well I am now awake and ready to eat again! These are good signs.(LOL) There is some discomfort from the biopsies but overall it feels good to have Step #1 behind me. Now we wait for results of what is really going on in there and the plan for the immediate future. One step at a time…..that’s my mantra while I wait.
Thanks to all for the phone calls, prayers, and positive energy. I think, of all of you as I wait in the waiting rooms, doctor’s offices and on tables before the anesthesia takes effect. I am so blessed to have so many people I love and respect offering their strength and well wishes. This gives me tremendous motivation to fight and I AM A FIGHTER.
After all the tears and fears, I am now less emotional and very very angry about this whole nightmare. I keep wondering how this happened when I have never smoked, drank, watched my diet, exercised, lived a simple life and did what my doctors have told me. Granted I have lived 54 years in excellent health with no surgery or hospital stays. But the question Why is still ruminating in my brain. I am trying my best to accept that this is the way it is supposed to be at this time but I am still angry. Hopefully I can channel this anger into energy for the big battles.
The good news is that we think the biopsies and port placement may be this Friday, March 28th. Step one is just a few days away!
Thank you for all the phone calls, cards, emails, and prayers. You are all in my thoughts and I realize how fortunate Jan and I are to have such a tremendous support system. We both love you.
Today is the holiday of Purim, one of my favorites. Tonight, Jan and I went to hear the megillah reading at Hineni. Rebbitzin Jungreis gave me a blessing for good health and also suggested I read Psalm 20 seven times a day. The megillah reader was Dr. Michael Zelefsky who is the “engineer” setting up my treatment team at Sloan-Kettering, He is such a charming gentle and competent man and has assured me that I am and will continue to be with the best team to make me well.
While waiting for the biopsy appointment to be scheduled, I am enjoying this lull before the storm; going to school, spending time with my precious husband and children, and just taking life a moment at a time. I am so grateful not to have to deal with the cancer for right now.
Thank you to all who have called and written notes. I am truly a very blessed person having so many people in my corner.